Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
