What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I need moral support for this bender
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
