im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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