I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
