I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think my moral compass just broke
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
