I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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