Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
