seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
