dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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