In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
