I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
