I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
