Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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