just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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