i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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