i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
