we're chasing vodka with high fives
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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