She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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