You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
