In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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