I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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