Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Randomize
