last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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