I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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