Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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