I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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