FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you had me at cake vodka
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
