you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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