I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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