Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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