God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
