so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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