It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
