Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I forget how to act sober
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
