I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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