The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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