this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Randomize
