so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
