No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think your dad took our porno
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
