I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
