Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
