yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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