my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
