I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
