So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
