I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
