you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
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