it was like his penis was on wheels.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
