just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
