I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
