ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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