So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
