Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
