Got a toothbrush?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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