Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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