if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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