She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
