How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
