He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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