i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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