I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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