Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
