just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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