you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
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