At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
this just has baby written all over it
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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